Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16: Granted, no one is denying that you are better at your job than your boss but let's be realistic here: there is no way you give better handjobs.
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11: Barring apocalypse, in the distant future your niece/nephew/kid/stepkid will watch a movie based on the 90s and buy its soundtrack. You wil feel a tinge of nostalgia you never thought you had over "Mambo No. 5"
Pisces: March 11-April 18: It's high time you stop planning on tossing those boxers/panties with the hole in em and just fucking throw it away.
Aries: April 18-May 13: You are still dying alone but so did Karl Marx and he is remembered for a socio-political ideology that has been bastardized and never truly implemented. It gets better, I promise
Taurus: May 13-June 21: It might be 1am and you might be drunk as hell but I promise you that the Taco Bell drive-thru is only good in theory
Gemini: June 21-July 20: If you finish that novel you've been thinking about working on, no one will have to hear about how you're "working on it".
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10: If you really want that cupcake stop being a Cathy Guisewite and just take it or leave it.
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16: No one can save you.
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30: It's probably time to retire that joke you make everytime that one subject comes up.
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23: Your anecdote about meeting Scott Baio was interesting the first time.
Scorpio: Nov. 23-29: If you finish cleaning your room, it will be one less thing to think about when you masturbate in it.
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29-Dec. 17: Stop Facebook-stalking your ex.
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20: The fact your clock is 15 minutes faster than the real time has not ONCE made you early for anything, ever.
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